Journal

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 01:56:03 GMT

Oh so much has happened since I last posted and I had decided that I was done with the world of LJ. Not sure why I am posting, other than the fact that I need a break from the insane amount of Greek vocabulary I’m learning. This, though, will be the last.

Life can best be described as funny, I think. All too often we have a plan for ourselves set out in our mind that gets utterly shot down and life just throws us curve ball after curve ball. It all makes me smile and laugh. No, it always isn’t happy. In fact, a lot of the time it’s quite painful. But, we endure. We can decide whether or not we make the best of what we’ve been given. We can decide to truly live or just to exist. I choose life.

The idea of Joy has been on my mind a lot recently, mainly due to the fact that I am taking a class on C.S. Lewis and the first thing we have read is “Surprised by Joy”. In it Lewis defines Joy as an intense longing and desire for something unattainable, often times to the point of sorrow. It was mentioned today that when Paul references Joy, it is more of a divine contentment. It struck me today that I have experienced both of those feelings. Once, it was felt all in the same moment. I really need not go into all that, it is, thankfully, a memory I will always have and will always cherish as one of my favorites. It was the first time in my life where everything felt right and I knew that everything would be ok.

This Christmas break I saw a bumper sticker that read, “Don’t Postpone Joy”. Sometimes we as humans tend to complicate things, when if we were to just sit back, relax, and enjoy life for what it really could be, I feel there’d be a lot more Joy in the world.

It has also been pointed out that the title, “Surprised by Joy”, indicates just that, that Joy is not something we can create or really attain. We are often surprised by it. And thank goodness that it often comes in the most necessary of times. Also, Lewis talks about for a long time filling his life with things that were enjoyable, but that did not bring him Joy. He confused Joy with pleasure. How fruitless to pursue mere pleasure all one’s life. I hope that isn’t a road I ever travel down.

Happiness. It’s even a fun word to say. No one likes to be unhappy. Everyone, for the most part, probably likes being perceived as a happy individual. A life void of happiness is also one that is void of truly living and just like deciding to live, we can choose to be happy. Not a superficial happiness “with a smile so fake” as Matthew West puts it. But we can choose to truly be happy and content in our lives. Does that mean that there will not be times when we feel the pangs of fear, or sadness, or grief, or uneasiness, or doubt, or discontentment? No. But, through all that we can choose to see the end, the fact that our humanity and our human pains, while significant (I would never presume to say someone’s pains are not important), are overshadowed by the fact that we have an amazing story of redemption and most of this life is not really about us. To quote someone who, though I don’t know him at all, I have grown to greatly enjoy, “I’m laughing so hard…”

Do I have all the questions that reside in my heart answered? No, definitely not. Do I know exactly where I am headed in this life? Also, no. But, I have faith in the fact that I am not alone in all of this. Funny thing about the silence of God, sometimes it’s us choosing not to hear, or not even seeking. But He does not leave me alone. Even when it may feel like it, He’s right here with me. And for that I am so thankful.

This is funny to me. The past few times I updated, it felt weird. Like I shouldn’t be. This time, as I sit here in the library, rockin’ out to my music, this is the most clear I have thought in a while and I felt like writing it out.

"pros: chik fil a and dr. pepper on campus. cons: everything else."

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 13:07:05 GMT

so this weekend was really good. i thoroughly enjoyed the missions conference. hearing people talk about the work that is being done for so many needy people just make me really excited about ministry, and it's really funny to me that that is where i'm headed. i love it, it's just funny to me.

i realized some stuff this weekend, actually it's a long time coming. yeah, we haven't always been right in the past, and we've made mistakes and hurt people along the way, and i would even say that we are still not completely right in some areas, but this is a legacy i'm proud to be a part of. heritage isn't something you just cast aside. it's who you are. i'm glad for that.

been thinking a lot lately about death and such. nothing morbid, just a lot of people have died recently. it's caused me to remember the people in my life i've lost, like my granddad. i often wish he were still around so i could bounce my thoughts off of him. i wasn't old enough to really appreciate the wisdom and knowledge that man had to offer. it'd just be nice to sit and talk with him.

lighter note: callie and her roommate are here for their fall break. so that's cool. we've had a good time this far and it's been nice getting to see her. i can't wait till cassie's wedding. been too long since the whole dillard clan has been together. it'll be good.

i'll play along

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 23:08:11 GMT

Levi needs to look across town at Gap Inc. to see what a non-family CEO could do.

Now Levi needs a high-powered architect who can rebuild one of San Francisco's
last home-grown corporate titans

Levi needs your help.

Levi needs the prayers and support of his Motown Family, friends, and supporters
so you're invited to come out and party "live" with Levi.

Levi needs a family that can provide him with unconditional love and support.

Levi's needs the duo to deliver strong results fast

Shrewdly, he has provided what any lover of Levi needs close by: not a critical
interpretation or reinterpretation, but a reader's companion .

Levi needs money for a cab.

Jesus knew Levi's needs and He was determined to see them satisfied.

That means Levi needs to improve sales by
introducing fashions the public wants.

why not?

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 04:30:31 GMT

I had to as well....
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

Have fun with it, eh?

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 05:37:57 GMT

so it's cool and completely random to me just how much can change in a matter of two hours, though i guess this was a long time coming. i don't really know what i'm going to do with it, but i think my tentative change to a bible major and psych minor is a much better fit for me. i don't know why i didn't see it way before i tried to lock myself into the psychology and i love how people who don't know me too intimately, know me well enough to give me advice that it quite worthwhile.

i am much more calm now than i was a week ago. it feels nice.

now about AIM. who knows. maybe it's right for me, maybe not. i could see myself doing it, loving it, and wanting to do it for a long time. but i don't know if it's what i'm being called to right now. i guess more thinkning and praying needs to be done.

more to say, more to ponder, more to decide, but not tonight.

oh joy

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 00:16:28 GMT

the miata is smashed again. yes, that's right, due to traffic on 240 and people deciding to randomly stop and me not being able to stop in time, i have rear-ended someone. oh boy, that makes me happy. so the front right side is smashed, and the hood id s bent. i just hope it won't take a really long time to fix, seeing as how i need to get a job and all at school...and a way to get there....

i need sleep

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 20:00:26 GMT

"and they comeout of there with a full basket. Stamps!. betcha they wouldn't give me a stamp!" old racism dies hard. "but i'm not a bigot, you know"

so here i stand in the san antonio airport. i paid $5 to get on the internet because my plane doesn't leave for about another hour. there weren't many people on soi decided to go ahead and update, seeing as how i've got 12 minutes left on the computer. it's odd, the keys andkeyboard is completely made out of metal, so they make a really loud noise as i type and i'm sure the people walking by are looking atme as they go.

so this weekend proved to be interesting. i am not a dietze, that much i am sure of. the topic only came up one time and apparantly there is false accusations, an idea he will take to his grave. i didn't say anything. not out of fear, but out of respect. i only want him to know that even though i do not belive him, i took the time to go there anyway. hopefully that says somthing to him.

we didn't do a whole lot. they took me to my favorite mexican restaurant called the alamo. so great. then we went back to good ol karnes city. i fell asleep on the way. when we got there, we just sat and talked for a few hours. there is a lot of catching up to do when you haven't seen someone in 6 years. i got asked a lot of questions about school and what i'm taking and what i want to do with it. got a weird look when i told my 95 year old great grandmother that i decided to major in bible and psychology. neither of which she really approves.

ironically enough, i enjoyed talking to her more than i did the other two. she's funny. and actually not a horrible person.

it's really sad to watch a woman who is not yet the age of her mother-in-law start to loeher mind. my mimi is in the begining stages of dementia. i'm just glad that it's something she accepts.

ok, i will finish this later, my time is about up on the computer.

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 23:19:00 GMT

it's funny to me how my subconscious works. something that has been written off as me being lazy, really is a result of my reaction to impending reality. the more i put it off, the further away it seems. such messed up logic.

i really don't want to relive that night.

7 work days left at A & I. i can't wait. co-workers are getting on my last nerve. it's ok though, i will live.

so the loop last night was really good. "sex on tap" andy really is a good speaker. i'm glad there is a loop in nashville. i will be attending.

this weekend ought to prove rather interesting. for some reason, i think it's going to turn out to be really good.

pointless

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 23:10:13 GMT

"I can't, my mom makes me comb her hair untill she falls asleep....she's robbing me of my childhood."
"the white one's name is mitsie"

i love that show

there's a lot i could say here. a lot is on my mind. too much sometimes. not able to sort it all out sometimes, which is no good.

but, on the whole, things are good. yes, good.

only a week and a half of work. that rocks. though i do hope it does not fly by.

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 03:15:26 GMT

life proves to be more and more interesting with every day that passes.

"do you like your paper, gigi?"

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 04:34:25 GMT

it started to rain, but we didn't care. that is what i have missed. committment. intention. care. discipline. discipleship. connectedness.

"they were an anomolie" rare indeed, we were. "we were spoiled" yes, we were.

i've given myself loads to ponder.

wisdom is what i plead for.

fresh texas air always does me good.

i caught myself tonight thinkning similar thoughts to the ones i had a year ago, when in dallas. sort of caught me by surprise actually. to think, i could have been a "fighting farmer". but the end of that thought is always the same. it always ends in the way things are and the fact that i am glad i have lived in memphis for the last 19 years. i don't think i would ever trade the experience of a memphis life and post memphis life in nashville for one here in the great state of texas. it would be different, yes, and i'm sure loads of good would have come of it as well, but so much good and so many experiences and so many great people have come out of my having grown up in the mid south and going to school in nashville, that i just can't see my life as having been better different.

so odd to think how a singular even in one individual's life can change the course of someone else's.

i really do enjoy getting to talk to my aunt gwen. it just feels good to be in her presence. so wise. so understanding. so kind. so much knowledge about faith. and she makes a great steak.

"i'd just want to be left alone" well said my friend.

"it ceases to be a feeling and becomes a choice" that choosing can be rather hard.
sometimes i have no idea what to do about certain convictions that i get because i don't know how things would play out. this i do know though, i have firmly decided that this boy will henceforth live a regret free life. that may mean doing things that i necessarilly am not sure about and making decisions that will be rather difficult. but i've learned a lot this summer. and i know more now who i need to be and how i need to act in certain situations. it is increasingly less about me, to the point where it isn't at all. "what will i get out of this?" what you deserve--nothing. but that doesn't matter, does it? we don't do things for the reward. we do them becasue we ought.

live intentionally. be bold. know who you are, who you want to be, and where you want to go.

and the father ran to the son

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 01:40:58 GMT

"comin' at you like a blitz"

so i never knew it would hit me, especially not today.

it's funny how a single song can trigger so many memories and how a single object is linked to a period of my life which was nothing less than wonderful. i enjoyed it while it lasted, and i hadn't looked back (because i knew that moving on had to happen) until today.

there were so many aspects about those 6 or so months that are just amazing. too many to actually list. all having to do with me, my parents, God and many other people. it was growth. it was friendship. it was thiriving. it was living.

and then i forgot the words of Baz Luhrmann. and i didn't turn to look back on what i had. so here i am, left with memories i will never let go.

(sorry about the vaguness, i just needed to write that out)

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 03:12:39 GMT

"at least that's what he tells me" oh i love my parents.

things are relatively good. i have no words of insight to really give here.
i'm at peter's for the week. it's nice to sleep in a bed for a change.

have had tons on the brain lately, but that's good. it gives me something to do at work.

nothing really to say. updating for the sake of it i suppose.

oh, i did finally get some david grey, which i am thoroughly enjoying.

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 23:12:18 GMT

The "rules":
List five songs that you are currently digging. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now.

Post these instructions, the artist, and the song in your blog (livejournal) along with your five songs. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

my five songs:
1. Coldplay- "Til Kingdom Come"
2. Simon and Garfunkel- "I Am A Rock"
3. Guster- "I Spy"
4. Jon Dillard- "Deep Purple Night"
5. Jeff Beck- "Nicotine and Gravy"

i tag:
1. jaybee63
2. acacr11
3. badmagikk67
4. xbrandnewboyx
5. alienyouth211

the stars at night are big and bright...

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 00:59:54 GMT

Central Texas. Hill country. Wimberly.

"Because it's in your blood."

I realized that it is, in fact, in my blood.

Mom and i left memphis at around 7 pm on friday. not to my liking. i got to sleep, though. so that was nice.

i couldn't have asked for a better place to wake up at 2:30 in the morning. one of my favorite skylines. the one building outlined in neon green lights. and the ball, all lit up. like new year's everynight. Dallas.

then about 4 hours later, we hit it. now, for those out there who have this pre-conceived notion that texas is simply flat, treeless, and desert-like, you are wrong. there are actually some quite beautiful places in texas, hill country being one of those. I just can't describe it. but it is beautiful. hills, big sky, and trees. yes, they are short, mesquite trees, but they fit the hot, dry, hilled landscape.

we drove through that counrty for about 30 minutes. along the way we passed several ranches, and the salt lick (one of my favorite BBQ places in texas. it's in the middle of nowhere. then we made it to wimberly. it such a neat little town. artsy, quaint, full of heritage. like mid-town, only not urban. at all.

around 6:30 we finally made it to the chancellor residence. the second home my uncle theny (mom's half brother) and aunt patsy have built in wimberly. although the first was a prime property right on the river, this house is their dream home. we were met by jody (my cousin) and ray's (her husband) two labs, shiner and angus. shiner: yellow lab, female, named for shiner bock (ray's favorite beer. made by good texas germans in shiner texas). angus: black lab, male, named for well, of course, black angus beef.

that day we just relaxed. and just enjoyed being with family. my cousin paul and his family (terri, mkenna, connor), cousin david and girlfriend shelby, and jody and ray and kids (hunter and brady) were all there. it was too much fun. i hadn't seen them all in over a year, and that fact saddens me.

saturday night, i went for a walk alone. watched the sunset (it was beautiful over those hills). prayed. received an increadible amount of peace. peace for then, now, and in things to come. i'm more than ok.

i decided then that i would at some point in my life live in wimberly texas.

"are you coming home?" so funny that i was asked that question.

sunday we went to the river. The Blanco River. named that because instead of a gross, muddy bottom, the riverbed in white rock. so therefore the river is clear. it's amazing. no slimy algea to slip around on, and no fear of wehre to place your next step. we played and sat in that river for 3 hours (i did not wear sunscreen, a decision i am now regretting.) i got to have some really good talks in the river with paul and terri. talks i needed.

fireworks were sunday night. that was fun. connor loved them (he's 5). sadly, we missed the big show. david and shelby bought 3 hours worth of fireworks, but they did them last night, while mom and i were on the road.

the highway on the drive home was littered with explosions of color. that was really cool to watch, people just doing their fireworks, right by the interstate. also, there was an electrical storm , which i always love.

and to think, we almost didn't go.

"are you going to be practical for the rest of your life?"

this is one time i will never regret impracticality.

a rock feels no pain....

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 03:05:55 GMT

...and an island never cries.

i love to rediscover old music. it's good.

new music is good also. i'm in love with coldplay's new one.

i was soo looking forward to this weekend. and now all that is falling apart. they won't be in karnes city. so i won't get to see them. but i am having lunch with a 95 year old woman i am decended from. should prove to be interesting.

texas is coming at a good time. i need that laughter. those kids. those people. that meat. the river. just playing. reading curious george. watching really unineteresting kid movies, like spirit. it's gonna be good. good for me.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 01:05:18 GMT

so wow, there is no doubt in my mind that those words are truth. not that there ever really was, but now, there isn't an inkling of doubt.

I love Katie Roach...K-Ro....syrup....waffles...mmmm.....

had my ipod at work today, it was nice

like a bridge

"He ain't turnin' over no green leaves, that's why he can't sit still."

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 23:13:28 GMT

"Orangutans are skeptical of changes in their cages"
i'd be fond of rum too.

Kevin asked me a question today to which the only answer was no. no doubt in my mind that it was no. my brain couldn't even form the letters to make up a "yes". that kinda scares me for my sake.

i need a day off.

i love ghetto tea. so so good.

i scare mom. she thinks i'm gonna be diabetic.

"Yes, the ellipsis. It's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? 'Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you, Samantha. I think that's the only thing I've ever been really sure of in my entire life."

love it.

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 23:33:13 GMT

"back then they didn't want me, now i'm hot, they all on me"

oh man work is fun. they started a "cuss box" today. ten cents per letter of cuss word said. all ann's idea. these people crack me up. there's already over four dollars.

i'm really beginning to enjoy the loop. last night's message was good. and gave me a good perspective. i'm glad to have that during the week.

sorry so vague. you know how it goes though. many many vague ones, then one really descriptive and open and honest post...

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 23:10:46 GMT

i don't like the smell of burning flesh. or the feel.

i for some reason thought of "Are You Being Served" today. Mrs. Slocombe saying "Weak as water. Weak as water!" jumped in my head randomly.

it's weird to me how so many of the songs played on the Q are applying to me in some way. i don't really like it much.

so tired all the time. don't like it.

"You need to take her to the killin' floor, Levi" --Eddie, referencing Ann
Ann's response "HA! I'll take him to the killin' floor. He's too skinny. I'd flip him over."

co-workers are interesting to say the least.

so july 4th weekend i'm going there. i haven't been in over 8 years, since i was told "i just don't think you love us anymore" when i was 12. i'm going and it's going to be good. i need to go. and i need to go alone. sort of looking forward to it for some odd reason.

so this is the end

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 00:14:41 GMT

"well levi, i'm sorry you're missing out on all the good sex out there in the world." --Ann (I love the people at my work)

yes, work. in a warehouse. 7-5. everyday. it's hot. it's tiring. and it underpays, but i actually really enjoy it. from the "a real live virgin?" (ann) to the "i am too much fat. you no eat. i no eat." (polo, my mexican friend). it's just an all round good exeperience. tractor parts are becoming my life. some are heavy, some not so much. fork lifts are fun and cherry pickers too, but never be too confident in the stability of a cherry picker, you could get very very hurt.

life outside work goes on.

time machines: why haven't they been invented yet?

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 23:34:04 GMT

i figured i'd do this since i was tagged. real post later.

Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

Late drives with the top down

Reading a really good book

Throwing on the wheel

Kickin' back with a Jones

Napping in the park

tags:

Daniel

Stephen

PJ

Will

Doty

Thu, 19 May 2005 20:07:44 GMT

go see episode III. you'll be glad you did.

i hate going to movies when i'm tired, it makes things happen that wouldn't if i were rested, especailly during star wars.

mowing is one of my least favorite things to do, but i did it yesterday. at least i was able to laugh at myself. i only wish someone had called me while i was mowing, that would have made it all the more funny.

if you haven't seen my hair, and would like to, go to jay's journal.

sweet silence

Sat, 14 May 2005 07:36:37 GMT

i had forgotten the wonders of DDR. i had also forgotten how that game was good for thinking things out.

Fri, 13 May 2005 16:00:09 GMT

literally, this week has been an eternity, and it hasn't even been a week since i've been home.

i have absolutely no concept of time, partly due to the fact that my watch is stopped at 1:45 on the 9th. i only hope i was doing something signifigant at that moment in time, unfortunately i was probably watching tv or asleep.

this is too much.